NARRATOR: The nation's favorite celebrities-- I like surprises.

..paired up with an expert...

I got excited then!

TIM: Ooh!

VO: Whoopsie!

..and a classic car.

BOTH: Here we go!

(CAR BACKFIRES) Wowzer!

Their mission?

To scour Britain for antiques.

Am I on safari?

(WHISTLE BLOWS) The aim?

To make the biggest profit at auction.

(GASPS) But it's no easy ride.

Oh, dear!

Who will find a hidden gem?

(NEIGHS) Who will take the biggest risk?

(LAUGHS) Will anybody follow expert advice?

I hate it.

There will be worthy winners... (LAUGHS) ..and valiant losers.

DAVID: Double drat... ROSIE: Oh, no!

Put your pedal to the metal...

Spend, spend, spend.

This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

Drop-dead gorgeous!

VO: Get ready, get set... and go, go, go!

CRAIG: Oh, bump!

(THEY CHUCKLE) ROBERT: And it's the low throbbing power... CRAIG: (IMITATES ENGINE) ROBERT: ..of a Morgan Plus 8.

VO: Today's stars in a classic car are more accustomed to roaming the galaxy than the B roads of the West Midlands.

It's Robert Llewellyn and Craig Charles.

Listen to the thwop-thwop-thwop of the engine.

(IMITATES ENGINE) (ENGINE REVS) CRAIG: Ooh... ROBERT: Oh!

CRAIG: Oh!

CRAIG: Oh!

ROBERT: Oh, sir!

VO: Ooh, Vicar!

Ha-ha!

What a lovely pair these two are.

They rose to fame in sci-fi sitcom Red Dwarf, before enjoying successful careers as TV presenters on shows such as Scrapheap Challenge and Robot Wars.

Their talents know no bounds, as we're about to find out.

ROBERT: So, I met you in... 1988.

'89... '88 I met you, '89 we did the Red Dwarf.

Mm.

First Red Dwarf I was in.

CRAIG: Yeah.

ROBERT: I was the new boy.

Yeah, you're still the new boy.

ROBERT: Still the... CRAIG: Still the new boy!

I am - I'm still the new boy!

VO: Old hand Craig is much in demand as an actor, presenter and radio DJ, while Robert now hosts Fully Charged, a popular YouTube channel about electric cars.

What do you know about antiques then, Bob?

I mean, I think probably close to nothing.

I used to do a bit of collecting, because I loved... Did you?

I think of you as having stuff, yeah.

Yeah.

There's loads of sort of antique shops, but... since you had the kids and all that... Yeah, that's...

It's the kids...

They've broken most of...

They've broken... ROBERT: I know.

CRAIG: ..most everything I own!

ROBERT: (CHUCKLES) CRAIG: You know?!

Yeah, I mean the idea of having something valuable on a shelf when my son was skateboarding in the hall, where we'd specifically said "no skateboarding", while he frisbeed.

You know, it's like... Yeah!

No, that vase is not going to live long in that environment.

(CRAIG CHUCKLES) VO: Our celebs are being paired up with tip-top antique experts - the delightful Izzie Balmer and the delectable Tim Medhurst.

IZZIE: I'm feeling very chuffed with myself, driving this Ferrari 308!

TIM: You look the part.

IZZIE: Thanks!

You're wearing the leather jacket.

You look cool.

Rocking the look!

I'm not sure it's very me.

IZZIE: I mean... TIM: But...

It's a little car, isn't it?

You'd think it would be large... You think of a red Ferrari, and you think maybe a bit of a beefy car, but this is quite small, isn't it?

It's almost like our little Red Dwarf.

(SHE CHUCKLES) Oh, Tim!

Oh!

How long were you working on that one for?

Oh, several hours!

You can tell!

VO: It's going to be a car-bant-tastic trip.

I just want my expert to help me beat you!

That's... ROBERT: You see, that's... CRAIG: That's all I want.

ROBERT: That's classic, cuz... CRAIG: Just help me beat Bobby!

"I hope they know a lot about history "cuz I'm fascinated by history."

You know, that was... No, just help me beat Bobby.

Even if it's by 50 pence.

VO: So, this will be a revved-up, rip-roaring antiques auction adventure for those all-important bragging rights.

Ha!

Hello.

Tim, nice to meet you.

ROBERT: Robert, hi... CRAIG: Hi, Tim.

TIM: Hello, lovely to meet you.

CRAIG: I'm Craig.

IZZIE: Hi, I'm Izzie.

VO: Yes, yes, handshakes, greetings.

(KISSES AIR) "Nice to meet you"s all round.

So, who's with who?

Well, I've always had a bit of a thing for Scrapheap Challenge.

Oh, and I absolutely love Robot Wars.

Massive fan... CRAIG: Ah-ha-ha!

IZZIE: Shall I take Robert?

TIM: Go for it.

IZZIE: Robert, get over here!

ROBERT: Alright, OK. IZZIE: We're with the Ferrari.

Oh, right.

Oh, my God, we're with the Ferrari!

IZZIE: Yeah!

TIM: Right, gentlemen, keen to get antique shopping?

CRAIG: Yes please.

ROBERT: Definitely.

We're going to the same shop.

It's a race to the finish line.

We're getting our roof down.

TIM: Let's get the roof down.

IZZIE: We've got a Ferrari.

ROBERT: I'll go slowly!

IZZIE: We're fine!

TIM: Quick, quick!

CRAIG: These ones here, first.

TIM: Oh, these first?

OK. VO: So, it's team Craig and Tim who'll be road tripping in a great British classic car, versus team Robert and Izzie in the Italian stallion.

Nice!

IZZIE: So, how are you feeling, Robert?

Well, I'm quite anxious cuz I know Craig's very competitive.

IZZIE: Is he?!

ROBERT: And sometimes I've said I'm not very competitive, and then you get...

There's a look you can get from a wife, which is one eyebrow goes up, meaning, "Oh, really?

"You're not competitive?!"

TIM: I cannot wait to get antique shopping with you.

CRAIG: Oh, it's gonna be fun.

TIM: Be great fun.

CRAIG: It's gonna be fun, yeah.

TIM: Yeah.

Got to watch out for Robert Llewellyn, though.

He pretends not to be competitive.

He's a dark horse.

TIM: Is he?

Yeah.

CRAIG: He's spent a career on the bottom rung of a very cut-throat industry!

IZZIE: How are your haggling skills?

ROBERT: I don't think they're any good.

IZZIE: Oh, dear... ROBERT: Cuz I've got too much guilt.

I always feel guilty.

I sort of feel sorry for the person I'm haggling with and offer them more than they're asking for!

CRAIG: What kind of stuff are you expert in?

TIM: Well, my main love and interest is old coins.

OK.

So, I don't want to send you to sleep straightaway!

Alright.

I'm glazing over, Tim, I'm glazing!

But I love general antiques - a bit of everything is my bag!

VO: Their antique odyssey will begin in Warwickshire, cut through Birmingham and end at auction in Penkridge in Staffordshire.

Their first destination is the suburban village of Binley Woods.

Robert and Izzie have arrived.

With each team having £400 to spend, they've got plenty to pick from in Greens Home and Garden.

It's quite cute.

VO: We're not after "cute"!

Ha!

We're after honest-to-goodness auction house money-makers.

You see, I like...

I love a good doll's house!

VO: Yeah, it's pretty but I doubt if there's any profit in, I'm afraid.

Oh, now, I do like those.

VO: Er, this could be far from plain sailing.

So, I'm a little concerned because I'm seeing lots of things that I think you will think are wonderful, but...

Right.

..but they're not!

OK. (THEY CHUCKLE) VO: Arriving not quite hot on the heels, more tepid on the toes of their competitors, are Craig and Tim.

TIM: Look at Marilyn!

Wow!

VO: Boop, boop, di-boop.

What will grab their attention, then?

Will it be fine china, Georgian furniture, or fire-breathing, mythical creatures?

CRAIG: Dragons are really popular!

(THEY CHUCKLE) We came in on one.

We rode in on a dragon!

"Dragons are popular"!

I mean, I'm tempted to say just ignore everything he says, cuz he's on the other team!

Yeah!

Yeah!

No, I want the dragon now!

What about this meat cleaver, Tim?

You're not that bored of me already, are you?

Is that original?

It looks like a Victorian one - it's got a maker's name here in Sheffield.

Mm.

So it's made in Sheffield, it's got a lovely patina.

CRAIG: It has, hasn't it?

TIM: That's what I love, is just the wear and tear and you can see it's been used and used.

CRAIG: Mm.

Just as a decorative piece in a nice old kitchen.

TIM: Yeah.

You can imagine that old Victorian butcher's shop.

CRAIG: Mm, mm.

And all the butchers in their aprons and holding that cleaver, working away just like that...

I love the handle of it, as well.

CRAIG: Yeah, nicely made.

TIM: Yeah.

VO: The cleaver has failed to make the cut.

Ooh, look, Robert!

We could create a band.

Oh, yes... VO: Yeah, they could end up singing for their supper at this rate!

ROBERT: Da, da-da-da, da, da, da!

Ah, da-da-da, da, da, da, daaa... VO: I think they're going to end up going hungry, though, don't you?

Look at this, old football rattle.

Ah!

VO: What a noisy lot they are!

Tim, has this got any age?

That's a little silver bookmark.

It's in the shape of a trowel... Mm.

..so you could just pop it into your book while you're reading.

Are you a keen reader?

CRAIG: I am, yeah.

TIM: You are?

I have a Kindle now, though.

TIM: Ah!

VO: You don't want to jab THAT into an E-reader.

Ha!

TIM: It doesn't look very old, though, that hallmark's quite modern.

Is it?

Erm, the Victorians started making these little trowel bookmarks.

CRAIG: Mm.

TIM: And they loved novelty.

But this one's not terribly old, fairly modern.

But it is silver.

It's hallmarked silver.

CRAIG: Mm.

It's £18.

Would that make a profit?

In all honesty, not a big one.

CRAIG: Cuz we haven't bought anything in this shop yet.

We haven't.

Yeah, we need to find something.

Ah!

Izzie, this is what I'm interested in.

What have you found?

Look at this.

My eye went to it... Old tools.

Vintage winged compass.

Yeah, like a compass that you stick in... Yeah!

IZZIE: ..you stick your pencil in.

And you... ROBERT: You draw around.

So, that's what it was.

So it was to measure, it was a measuring device.

You're a bit of an amateur engineer at heart, aren't you?

You like tinkering away.

Very amateur!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good with your hands.

Good with making things.

And that's really what appeals to me.

And I do have a lot of old tools that I'm sure have no value, but I really love them.

And even on my desk, which is full of computers and wires, there's some really old pincers and pliers and things, just cuz I like having them around.

Can we actually have a look?

Oh, they've got some weight to them!

Oh, they're actually lovely.

Look at that.

There's his name on there, is it?

Yes!

G Plumpton.

VO: George Plumpton Ltd - ha-ha!

- were a Warrington-based toolmaker who supplied the British Army during World War I.

They were incorporated into Sheffield Steel Products in 1920, which means this compass is over 100 years old.

I mean, I'm not excited by them.

But...

But you are!

You like them.

I am.

I love them.

And it's your journey and your road trip... VO: That compass could be money well spent.

I like them because you like them.

And... OK. ..you seem really interested and really excited by them.

Um, so...

I mean, I can't take that puppy-dog look off your face.

I just can't do it by... And say "no"!

I found a compass that goes like that!

Is that...

It's so clever.

So, yes.

Let's have them.

Let's have them.

Brilliant!

ROBERT: Hello.

Hi.

DEALER: Hello.

I'd like to purchase these, please.

Wonderful.

VO: Robert has made the first purchase of the trip - the winged compass for £14.

Thank you.

Gentleman, you see.

VO: For Craig and Tim, nothing has hit the right note.

(GLASS PINGS) So, they're leaving empty of hand... TIM: Right, onwards and upwards!

VO: ..but full of positivity.

VO: Robert and Izzie are traveling to the village of Gaydon in Warwickshire.

They're heading to the British Motor Museum, to learn how the West Midlands became a worldwide driving force in motorcar manufacturing.

ROBERT: Oh, this is good!

We might be able to learn a bit about some even older cars!

Like cars that are older than you?

Cars that are...

Some of them are even older than me!

Thank you very much for that!

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: There are vintage vroom-vrooms aplenty, from the era of the horseless carriage, to turbo-charged supercars.

Robert and Izzie are meeting museum curator Stephen Laing.

ROBERT: What I want to know is where the motor industry... How it started, cuz it kind of started in this area, didn't it?

STEPHEN: Yeah, we're really in the heart of it here in the West Midlands.

In the 1800s, we were going through an industrial revolution and Coventry was famous for ribbon weaving and sewing machines and also watchmaking.

And then the guys that did that went on to invent the cycle.

ROBERT: Wow!

STEPHEN: So by the late 1800s, the cycle industry was really booming.

And by 1891, there were more than 4,000 people employed making this new form of... ROBERT: Wow!

STEPHEN: ..transport.

It's a bike, isn't it?

STEPHEN: Yeah.

ROBERT: Just a bike.

Amazing!

So, then, presumably, the car industry grew out of that?

Just a...

Absolutely.

The guys that were making cycles went on to build motorcars.

VO: The West Midlands, just as it does now, had a wealth of engineering excellence.

These titans of industry wanted to be at the forefront of change, and they could see automobiles were the future.

Textile mills were transformed into motor mills.

The invention that sparked this blaze of industry was this - its patent called it the three-wheeled vehicle, powered by gas engine.

So this is the thing that kicked off the motor industry.

This is Karl Benz's Motorwagen from 1886, and it's the world's first motorcar.

VO: Made in Germany, the Motorwagen cost 600 imperial German marks.

Buying a replica today, made by Mercedes Benz, would cost around £50,000.

You can see why places like Coventry were really interested, cuz all the components were already being made... ROBERT: Right.

STEPHEN: ..in the area.

So, put them all together, you've got a motorcar!

ROBERT: You've got a motorcar, amazing.

IZZIE: So, is this speedy?

How fast would it go?

Well, for 1886, probably it would go about 10mph, which would feel really exhilarating if you were in control of it, I think.

Yeah!

VO: The West Midlands can lay claim as home to the first all-British four-wheeled motorcar, manufactured in 1895 by the Lanchester Motor Company.

Their cars had a reputation for mechanical excellence and luxury, as they had low vibration and a sleek body shape.

The magnificent boom in West Midlands car making came to a halt as the shadow of war crept across Europe.

How did the First World War change the motoring industry?

Well, by that time it was really getting very strong.

But the government said, "You can't make any cars for public to buy, "you've got to make everything for the war effort.

"So make cars for us, make tanks, make airplanes."

So the big companies, like Daimler and Wolseley and Humber, all turned their production over to making things for the war effort.

VO: The engineering inventiveness of the region was to prove vital in winning the First World War.

STEPHEN: In between the first and second world wars, Britain had really become a mass manufacturer, one of the world's leaders in the motor industry.

And after the Second World War people came back and said, "I really want a motorcar."

So there was a big desire for it.

The government said, "We've got no money - "make as much as you can and sell it all round the world."

ROBERT: Right.

STEPHEN: So, Britain was really second only to the US by the time you got into the 1950s.

ROBERT: Right.

STEPHEN: And then by the 1970s, about 60% of the motor industry was built in this area, in the West Midlands.

And, actually, that's still the case today.

So if you think of companies like Jaguar, Land Rover, Aston Martin and even the faithful old black cab or the new electric cab, they're all built in Coventry and the surrounding area.

It is amazing to see how it's developed over that period, then, isn't it, and kept going?

Absolutely, it's a fascinating industry and it's very much part of where we are today.

VO: We've teased and tantalized self-confessed piston head Robert long enough.

Time to get him suited and booted, so he can enjoy a ride behind the rudder of a veteran car.

Oh, super!

Let's go out on the road.

(IZZIE CHUCKLES) I mean, you look ridiculous!

I thought you were going to say, "You look really fetching!"

I thought for a moment I might have made it.

No!

VO: An 1899 Wolseley horseless carriage, to be precise.

(HORN PARPS) They're so going to crash!

VO: Ho-ho!

The Wolseley factory was less than 35 miles from the museum.

Hadn't invented road humps in 1899!

We didn't have them humps back in the old days!

I think it's fantastic that you've kept it going and that it's still functioning.

I mean, you know, cuz it could just be in a museum not running, but the fact that it still runs, beautiful!

We love it because it's just the whole birth of the motorcar.

ROBERT: Yeah.

Yeah.

STEPHEN: Wonderful.

I'm just going to give it a little honk.

(HORN PARPS QUIETLY) Don't know how much warning that would really give you!

(HORN PARPS QUIETLY) VO: Craig and Tim's failure to make a purchase at their last stop is a state of affairs in need of remedying.

TIM: I was going to ask you with the Red Dwarf and the sci-fi background, do you like collecting old toys?

CRAIG: Well, old toys are another thing, you know.

Thing is, everyone's in on the market now, so... TIM: Yeah.

..it's so difficult to find a bargain these days, you know?

Yeah.

You want a mint sealed Boba Fett figure, don't you, TIM: or something?

CRAIG: Yeah, that's it!

Did they do action figures of Red Dwarf?

Yeah, I've got dolls of me.

I've got the one with the bobbing head as well.

Lister's bobbing head.

VO: We don't need no plastic figure - ha-ha!

We've got the real thing right here.

VO: Tim is driving to the county town of Warwick, next to the banks of the River Avon.

The medieval castle dominates the skyline, and just a short walk from the ancient fortress is the Warwick Antique Centre.

Over here!

Ooh.

Look at that.

CRAIG: Well done!

TIM: Parked like a pro!

VO: Ooh, he's a bit chuffed with himself.

Not so good at getting out, though, is he?

(HORN HONKS) VO: (CHUCKLES) TIM: Sorry!

VO: Oh, dear!

TIM: I can't get out.

VO: You certainly can't.

TIM: Can you give me a hand?

CRAIG: Give you a hand, come on.

That's it.

Oh!

Cor, that's tight, isn't it?

Crikey!

VO: That's his excuse.

CRAIG: The unrivaled elegance... TIM: Oh, thank you.

CRAIG: ..of a dried thistle!

Oh!

After you.

Thank you, dear boy.

VO: Now, this shop is crammed, jammed and brimming with relics of a bygone age.

And our pair still have £400 in their pocket.

TIM: Oh, there's so much stuff in here, isn't there?

What do you think of this?

Look at that.

That's impressive, isn't it?

It is.

Is it silver?

Um, let's have a look.

No, it's not.

But it is by WMF.

Now, WMF, you're going to have to bear with me.

OK, what does it stand for?

Um, I think it's pronounced Wurttembergische...

BOTH: ..Metallwarenfabrik.

CRAIG: Yeah, yeah.

TIM: That's it, yeah.

So, WMF, they were a German factory... Mm.

..and they produced a lot of really nice early 20th century art-nouveau, arts-and-crafts metalwork.

I just love this art-nouveau decoration here.

You've got leaves, grapes and then down here, this lovely band.

CRAIG: This is incomplete, isn't it?

TIM: Um... yeah.

Shouldn't it have something inside?

It would've had a lovely colored glass bowl, sort of maybe a pink or a blue.

CRAIG: Mm.

TIM: And if you imagine that sitting as a centerpiece with that colored bowl inside it... CRAIG: Mm.

Oh, it's a nice... TIM: That just...

It's a nice bit of kit, actually.

It sings 1905, 1910.

Championes...!

No, that's good.

Erm... it's 95 quid though... TIM: Yeah.

CRAIG: ..and it's not complete.

CRAIG: What do you reckon?

TIM: Well, you know... TIM: If it had its liner... CRAIG: Mm.

..and in perfect condition, I could see that making maybe 200 to 300 in an auction.

Shall we pop it back and carry on looking?

CRAIG: OK. VO: The chaps are still a little bit purchase shy, but that's a possibility, and it's flashy.

CRAIG: Mm.

Look at these.

We've got one, two, three little vesta cases.

CRAIG: Mm.

TIM: Aren't they lovely?

So back in the late Victorian, early 20th century period, people wanted to keep their matches in something.

So they'd use little containers and they're called vesta cases.

If you look here, you can pop this lid open, pop your matches in there, and then on the back, you can strike matches in between the horse's hoof.

Are these collectable?

People go out there and collect these vesta cases?

Yeah, they do.

There are avid vesta-case collectors... Mm.

..and novelty collectors as well.

And also, all of these things relate to other things.

This one here I particularly like, and it's got an Edwardian gentleman riding his bicycle and on the other side, a lady.

CRAIG: Mm.

TIM: Um, that's made of an early type of Bakelite.

So, which one would you go for?

Well, price-wise, we've got £65 on the hoof... Mm.

TIM: ..£70 on the bird... CRAIG: Mm.

..and 56 on the cycling interest.

Now, personally, I would go with the horse's hoof.

It's just quite charming, isn't it?

CRAIG: Yeah, I like that.

TIM: Hm.

VO: You like it.

Are you going to buy it, though?

TIM: But maybe we can come back if we can't find anything else.

CRAIG: OK. VO: Oh, come on now, chaps!

TIM: And on the vesta theme... CRAIG: Mm-hm?

..and it's a combination cigarette and vesta case, here, look.

So you've got your cigarettes in here and then at the bottom, you've got this little flap that opens for your matches.

And then you can strike them on there.

TIM: What do you think?

CRAIG: OK. Yeah... Just, like, how popular is smoking-related paraphernalia?

Well, smoking has become unpopular now, not so fashionable.

CRAIG: Mm.

However, it's collectable.

It's silver, and it's novelty.

So I think, actually, it would do quite well in an auction.

CRAIG: It's very stylish, as well, isn't it?

TIM: Yeah, £80.

Do you know, if we can pick that up for £60, and I think in an auction, I think we could possibly get to the £100 mark on that.

Brilliant.

TIM: Some pretty things in this shop, as well.

CRAIG: Yeah, certainly are.

TIM: Lovely quality.

VO: Then buy some!

That's quite interesting, the camel with the blue glass.

Yeah, what draws you to that?

It just kind of looks really interesting.

What... Yeah.

What's it for?

I'm curious.

TIM: Well, it would've been on your dining table.

It would have your little condiments in it, salt and mustard, things like that.

CRAIG: Mm.

What I like about this is that it looks like these little liners are original.

And imagine, that was probably made in around 1880 to 1900.

Wow!

And it's stayed with those little liners most of its life.

CRAIG: Mm.

TIM: I think that's quite nice.

CRAIG: So what kind of price is it?

TIM: 65.

CRAIG: 65.

So maybe we should get a little group of pieces together... Mm.

..and see what sort of deal we can do on them.

VO: At last!

Can a deal be done with owner Colin?

COLIN: Which ones do you want to purchase?

CRAIG: We want all four of them, really.

TIM: At a price!

At a price.

Right, I hope you've got a big wad, then.

CRAIG: OK, it... You know, it has been said.

(THEY CHUCKLE) CRAIG: Erm... VO: Yeah, Craig may have the gift of the gab, but does he have the hang of the haggle?

Ticket price total, £305.

CRAIG: Can I get it all for 240?

CRAIG: 240?

That's the best... COLIN: You are pushing your luck a bit there.

That's the best we can do, really, isn't it.?

You're pushing your luck a bit there because, you know... Let's, um... How about... 250 for cash?

250 cash, it's a deal.

COLIN: Oh, good.

TIM: Lovely.

TIM: Colin, you're a good man.

CRAIG: Cheers.

TIM: Thank you very much.

COLIN: Thank you very much.

VO: They've bought the bowl stand for 80, the cruet set for 50, the silver cigarette case for 70, and the horseshoe vesta for 50.

That £55 discount is a real pepper-upper.

TIM: Well, look at that - four items down.

Would you like some condiment?

I think we are going to roar ahead, if I can get in the car!

Oh!

Oh, it's a snug fit, isn't it?

Crikey.

Oh!

VO: That's today's shopping done for our intrepid antiquers.

IZZIE: Have you had a little play with this lever yet?

Oh, no, it says "lights".

Ooh!

I know!

The little eyes opened!

VO: Ah, but can he make them wink?

That's a challenge for a new day.

So, sleep tight.

Wakey, wakey - rise and shine!

We're in the West Midlands, road tripping the light fantastic with Craig Charles and Robert Llewellyn.

Oh!

Alright!

VO: So, how has everyone been getting along?

CRAIG: So, what's Izzie like?

ROBERT: She is really good.

So, the moment, we've got a lot more shopping to do.

But she says she's very good at haggling and she knows how to strike a bargain, which is... OK. TIM: How did you get on with Robert yesterday, then?

IZZIE: Oh, we had such a great time.

Do you know what?

He is just like a dad.

How was your day?

Craig is just a lovely guy.

We've got on so well and, you know, he's got a really good eye for antiques.

What about Tim?

Cuz he seemed like a lovely lad.

ROBERT: I didn't get... CRAIG: Nah, he's a nightmare!

Nightmare, mate.

He seemed...

I met him for 10 minutes - he seemed like the nicest, kindest man I've ever met.

CRAIG: No... ROBERT: Of course, when you get...

When you see the underside of those chaps... Yeah, yeah.

The dark underbelly of Tim!

VO: Ah, the banter.

Let's get the gang all back together then.

Sounds good, let's go... Let's go, guys!

Ahoy... CRAIG: Hi, guys!

TIM: How are you?

You alright?

CRAIG: Good, good.

How are you?

TIM: Nice to see you.

CRAIG: And you.

TIM: Good to see you.

Morning.

IZZIE: Good morning.

VO: Here we go again.

IZZIE: Hello!

VO: A handshake frenzy.

IZZIE: How are you?

ROBERT: Oh, good.

Very, very excited to go shopping!

TIM: Oh, good!

ROBERT: We're going shopping today!

You have bought something, though, haven't you?

I've bought something.

I am excited about this.

TIM: Fits in the pocket.

ROBERT: I'm obviously the only person who is excited about it.

Look at those.

That is a beautiful... Look at that!

Look - look at the action on it.

Isn't that from the toolkit in the Morgan?

No, I bought those!

They were £14.

You could've got a new one for that!

How about this?

VO: Oh, stand lively.

Ta-da!

ROBERT: Oh, that is... IZZIE: Oh, I do like that.

Well, it's big.

It's bigger.

A bit of WMF.

I, I really like it.

CRAIG: Oh, thank you.

VO: Craig also bought a horseshoe-shaped vesta case... ..a silver cigarette holder and a camel cruet set for a grand total of £250.

We're going to have to up our game.

We certainly are, aren't we?

VO: If Robert wants to beat his bestie, he'll have to get buying.

(HORN TOOTS) ROBERT: Oh, they're off.

That's not fair!

(ENGINE REVS LOUDLY) Oh-ho...!

Oh, steady now.

Steady, steady!

Would Kryten be in it to win it?

Oh, that's the... That's the... AS KRYTEN: Ma'am, it would be much too embarrassing to win.

It is better that I just clean everything, keep it tidy, and make Mr Lister's supper.

(SHE CHUCKLES) ROBERT: I've got to get... IZZIE: OK.

I've got to get that, "Yeah, come on!

We can do it!"

All that sort of stuff.

That's quite terrifying when you do that.

VO: First stop of the day is the medieval market town of Stratford-upon-Avon.

Apparently, this is the birthplace of some fella called William "Shakes-pierre".

Whoever he is.

Alas, what light through yonder antique shop window breaks?

Who writes this stuff?!

IZZIE: I think this might be our place.

ROBERT: This might be where we should have a look.

VO: The Henley Street Antiques Centre has 10 rooms packed with antiques.

Now, I'm seeing things I really like.

Like that, there's some weighing scales here.

And they're just completely inappropriate.

You know, they interest me but I don't think anybody else wants them!

Robert's just fabulous!

And he seems to be really drawn to metal.

But not my kind of metal - I like shiny metal.

I like silver and gold and platinum.

He likes... pewter and brass and copper.

Another pair of scales!

I love scales.

They're beautiful.

My only slight problem, possibly, with Robert is that he likes the items that there's just no profit in.

Ooh!

Art nou... Ooh, look at that!

Ooh!

Izzie?

IZZIE: Mm.

I've found something that's art nou... OK. Just before you do the look...

I know it's a bit battered.

It is...

It's pewter art nouveau.

That's why... And I quite like the look of it.

Do you know what?

You've picked up a good thing.

So... TIM: Right.

IZZIE: ..um, the label says it's made by Tudric, for Liberty, which, if we flip it over, I don't know if you can just about see there.

It's stamped Tudric.

VO: Tudric is a brand name for pewter made for Liberty & Co of London in their department store between 1899 and the 1930s.

My only concern with this one is...

I say concern, it's just...

It's tired, it's battered.

Yeah.

It's priced at... What's it priced at?

£90 and they've dropped it from 145.

No, I think we need to get a hefty amount off it, IZZIE: if I'm honest with you.

ROBERT: Right.

No, no, no, no, no!

It... No!

Oh, you're making me feel terrible!

I'm damping your enthusiasm.

I do like it.

ROBERT: Right.

IZZIE: But I would like it...

I've found something you do like!

I would like it at half the price.

ROBERT: Half, OK. Oh.

Oh, oh, ooh.

VO: I think those are positive noises.

Izzie, can you come and see this?

I think this is a bit special.

I think I've found something.

This is a clock that would've been on the control panel of a plane during World War II, so... And my father was a pilot who flew Halifax bombers in World War II.

I've got no idea if this is exactly the sort of clock, but it's definitely a connection there.

And...

So you've got a bit of a personal connection?

There's a bit of a personal connection... IZZIE: Yeah.

ROBERT: ..to my old dad, yeah!

VO: Removed from the cockpit control panel of the iconic World War II RAF Spitfire, the clock has since been mounted in wood.

Would there be any other interest in that sort of stuff, do you think?

Cuz it's clearly...

It's clearly quite an old clock.

Can I... Can I have a look?

Yeah, have a look, yeah.

Well, I mean, in answer to your question, yes.

There's a big market for military.

Right.

And military watches.

I mean, how much is it?

It's £95.

£95.

I... don't think it's in the best of condition.

Right.

And you know me - I'm always up for a bargain.

ROBERT: Yeah.

IZZIE: But I think we could IZZIE: take a punt on this... ROBERT: OK. ..if we could get some money off it.

Yeah.

VO: Can a deal be done with owner Andreas?

Because we have a terrible haggler here... DEALER: Yeah.

..what can you do on it?

Well, again, usually it's the 10%.

That would be 85.

What if I take another £10 off and that would be £75?

(ROBERT HISSES) 75, I think that's, you know... IZZIE: Can we do 60?

If we have a deal, I would do 70, but that would really be the last word.

IZZIE: I'm happy with that.

ROBERT: Are you happy with that?

I'm so glad you're happy.

Thank you so much.

You're being brilliant, offering.. You're being very generous.

..money off... IZZIE: Yes.

Are we gonna shake?

ROBERT: I wanna shake on it.

DEALER: Alright.

ROBERT: £70 it is.

DEALER: Thanks, Robert.

ROBERT: Thank you.

IZZIE: I'm gonna shake on it.

DEALER: Thank you, Izzie.

VO: After that masterclass in haggling from Izzie, can Robert do a deal on the pewter vase, priced at £90?

Stand by.

We have already bought one.

So if we buy two things at, say £70, that's like 140 quid.

I mean, that's a lot, you know?

Just thinking... Are you... You're a hard haggler!

Um... You're saying 70?

ROBERT: Yeah.

Let's shake hands on that.

ROBERT: Thank you very much.

DEALER: Thank you, Robert.

DEALER: Thank you, Izzie.

IZZIE: Thank you very... VO: He's a quick learner.

Ooh!

Robert's bought the clock and the Tudric vase for £70 each.

VO: What's the chat with our likely lads?

TIM: Craig, I've got a question for you.

OK.

It's not a geography question, is it?

CRAIG: I'm no good at geography.

TIM: No, no.

No, neither am I!

Um, what do you know about canal boats?

Er, not much, really.

I've always wanted to go one of those canal-boat holidays... Have you?

..you know?

It looks like such a peaceful way to travel, doesn't it?

TIM: Mm.

CRAIG: It's, like, so otherworldly.

TIM: Well, I've got a little surprise for you.

OK, then.

I like surprises!

VO: Don't we all?

Ha!

VO: Tim is taking Craig to Hatton, in Warwickshire, to see a wonder of the industrial age.

Hatton Locks.

A flight of 21 locks that rises 150 feet over two miles.

Wow!

It's part of the Grand Union Canal, which runs from Birmingham to London.

That is something else.

CRAIG: Fernweh.

That's a German word, that, you know?

TIM: Ah.

It means a longing or a lust to travel and find undiscovered places.

Oh, I like that.

Just stick with me, kid, stick with me... Lovely boat, though, isn't it?

Yeah, beautiful.

CRAIG: Mm.

TIM: Ah, hello.

Hello, hello.

Are you Kate?

Yes.

Welcome to the Fernweh.

Come on board.

VO: Tim and Craig are meeting Kate Langley from the Canal and River Trust, a charity working to restore the waterway to its full glory.

KATE: Welcome on board.

I'll try not to fall in!

Oh!

VO: In the late 18th century, roads were just emerging from medieval mud and dirt tracks.

And the West Midlands was to become the epicenter of a vast canal network, which played a vital role in the new age of industry.

During the Industrial Revolution, the canal network was so important for moving about goods and trades.

Canals, back in the day, they would have been alive with the sights, the sounds and the stench of industry.

It would've been totally different to how it is today.

The sights, sounds and stench of industry - reminds me of you, young Tim!

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: The canals were transport arteries at the heart of a manufacturing boom... ..carrying the coal needed to power iron foundries, steam engines and heat homes.

While the barges also ferried goods for sale to our cities and docks for export... ..transforming Victorian Britain into a global economic powerhouse.

Ah, come on, Kate, I'm quite excited.

Take us through a lock.

KATE: Yeah.

CRAIG: OK, fair enough.

TIM: All we need is a little bit of nice, tranquil music.

VO: Building canals and locks like this one was a huge undertaking of engineering ingenuity.

The locks were needed to float the barges up hills.

TIM: Kate, you mentioned a massive network of canals.

It must've been a huge feat back then to actually make them in the first place?

KATE: Yeah.

And they were kind of built in stages.

So, originally, it was landowners, industrialists that were wanting to build these canals.

And there was a time period known as Canal Mania, from 1791 to 1794, where 37 acts were passed in parliament, allowing for 37 canals to be built.

VO: The network was built by pioneering builders like James Brindley.

Born into a farming family with little formal education, he rose to become a leading engineer of his age.

It was his ambition to connect the four great rivers of England - the Mersey, Trent, Severn and Thames.

During his life, he built over 350 miles of canal.

TIM: Right, I'm going to get off and let you guys through.

CRAIG: Ah, that's the lad!

Oh!

Oh, careful!

Head first!

VO: Nice chap that he is, Tim has been volunteered, by Craig, to help lock keeper Martin Bromage.

TIM: Heave-ho!

VO: In the 20th century, the canal system was no longer the swiftest route to carry coal to the factories and goods to be sold, and the network fell into disrepair.

TIM: So what led to the real decline in canal use, industrially?

The onset of the railways, that proved major competition.

And, of course, road transport.

They were providing faster and cheaper alternatives.

It just gradually died off and then, over time, conservation groups got together and restructured parts of canals and reopened them up and it just became more and more a leisure pastime.

It's not filling up very quickly.

Come on, let's have a go at it.

I'll show you how to... You haven't opened the paddle yet, so... Is it not?

Oh, it hasn't... No.

That's why it's not filling up.

Right, that's why it's not filling up.

OK!

VO: Ha!

The once-industrial waterways can now offer calm and tranquility.

TIM: So this lets the water in?

MARTIN: Yep.

And then you pull the gates shut?

Yeah, that's how it works.

VO: Rather than toil and graft.

TIM: (GRUNTS) MARTIN: Yeah.

Manual labor!

CRAIG: Looks like hard work, mate.

TIM: Oh, it is.

VO: Well, there's still some toil and graft.

CRAIG: I've worked out a solution.

What's that, Craig?

Jet skis and ramps!

Whoosh!

Sounds good to me!

Sounds less work.

I'm opening up fully, Craig.

There we are.

CRAIG: Wow!

Oh!

I thought I was going to fall in there.

Right, we're open.

Captain Craig, let's cast off.

Er, you're going to have to ask permission to come aboard... Oh, sorry.

May I come aboard your vessel?

Permission granted.

Thank you.

Hello, Kate.

Hello.

VO: Today, over 2,000 miles of restored canals offer a gateway into a bygone era.

The renaissance of the canal system casts a light on this wonder of our industrial heritage.

VO: Ha-ha!

Robert's still loving that light switch!

We've still got quite a wad of money left though... ROBERT: Yeah.

IZZIE: 200-and... 46, I think we've got.

Yeah.

IZZIE: 46, yes.

So, we would probably want to buy a couple more items.

I mean, I'd like to buy something that was, like, more than 100 quid.

So it was, like, a bit pricey.

OK.

But then, I know I'm going to see something that's like 145 quid and you'll go, "Yeah, no!"

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: Robert and Izzie are making their way to the lovely little town of Henley-in-Arden.

IZZIE: It's rather rustic!

ROBERT: Very nice and rustic.

A little old farmyard.

Lovely!

VO: Antique enthusiasts would bite your hand off to get to own some of these items.

Careful, though - ha-ha!

- some of them might bite back!

ROBERT: Oh, that's... Oh, what's that?!

IZZIE: This is pretty, though.

Georgian hand-painted watercolor, circa 1815 to 1820.

Illustrated love token given by John Spencer Wright to Mary Nielson.

VO: This is an incredibly rare find.

A 200-year-old love letter written by a young gentleman to the love of his life, his betrothed, as they're about to be joined in marriage.

ROBERT: It's, well...

It is amazing.

It's fabulous!

VO: Nowadays, all young lovers do is to send eggplant and donut emojis.

Ha-ha!

ROBERT: Looks like... Is he holding a pineapple?

ROBERT: I don't think so, cuz... IZZIE: Is it a bag of money?

IZZIE: Or a thistle.

ROBERT: Could be a bag of money.

It's a bag of money.

He's sort of saying...

BOTH: "I can provide for you."

And there's Adam and Eve this side and a big lion in the middle.

This is, what, 200 years old?

ROBERT: Yeah.

IZZIE: And this has survived.

And, yes, it's damaged and it's got Sellotape stuck on there.

But the fact that someone has kept and treasured this.

Yeah.

And it was given when he married this girl... ROBERT: In 1820.

IZZIE: ..Mary Neilson.

ROBERT: Yeah.

IZZIE: What a wonderful thing.

It's very romantic, isn't it?

ROBERT: It's very romantic.

It's romantic.

IZZIE: Are you a romantic man?

ROBERT: I am.

VO: The love letter has captured Robert's heart.

Aw.

VO: Meanwhile, in the Morgan, these two newfound friends are getting to know each other a bit better.

TIM: You've had such an amazing, varied career.

How long have you been doing radio?

The 6 Music show, I've been doing it for 17 years on 6 Music.

And, you know what?

Playing music and talking nonsense isn't...

I don't, I don't find it work.

You know?

I don't call it work.

It's good fun?

Yeah.

Craig Charles, the man, the myth, the legend, the not so tall, not so dark, not so handsome man, the scally in your alley, the Scouse in your house, the prat in your flat, the clown in your two-up-two-down, the funky man in your caravan, the lousy get in your maisonette...

It just goes on.

Yeah.

Hi, I'm Tim.

I like coins.

(THEY CHUCKLE) "I like coins."

VO: Ha-ha-ha!

They are heading to Balsall Common, on the outskirts of Coventry, where the aptly named Antiques In a Barn has been run by three generations of the same family.

TIM: Now that looks like a proper antiques shop.

CRAIG: This does, doesn't it?

Looks like a proper shop.

Look at the dog in the window!

TIM: Oh!

VO: Woof woof!

OK.

Please yourself.

After you, sir.

Thank you, young Timothy.

Good afternoon and welcome to Old Lodge Farm.

Very good to see you.

How do you do?

Hello there.

Tim.

TIM: Nice to meet you.

DEALER: My name's Malcolm.

TIM: Can we have a look around?

DEALER: Have a browse.

TIM: Lovely.

Thank you very much.

Now that's a hunting horn, isn't it?

Yeah, a little... looks like a little silver-plated one.

Yeah, it's got some age to it.

You can see where it's worn through here... CRAIG: Yeah.

TIM: ..on the mouthpiece.

It's been used quite a bit.

(MELODY TOOTS) Isn't that...?

VO: Tallyho.

Charge.

TIM: Let's pop it back for the moment.

We've only just got here, Craig.

CRAIG: Alright.

TIM: We need to... OK, Tim, calm down.

Alright.

We just need to be careful.

(HE CHUCKLES) CRAIG: Hi, Malcolm.

DEALER: Hi.

Love the shop.

You've got so much stuff, haven't you?

TIM: It's beautiful, isn't it?

Full of... Full of good stuff.

What I was wondering, though, is because, like, we're in competition with a guy called Robert Llewellyn, not a very nice fella.

Oh, you've got to beat him, then.

Yeah, I've got to beat him.

Have you got anything in the shop, or that's not in the shop, that you could do us?

CRAIG: Like, you know... TIM: Something fresh in.

I do have something in the car.

TIM: Ah.

CRAIG: OK. Do you want to lead the way, we could have a look at it?

DEALER: Yes, certainly.

CRAIG: Yes, please.

TIM: Sounds good to me.

CRAIG: Come on.

VO: Hm... What secret delight does he have?

What's this?

(HIGH-PITCHED TWEETING) Oh... Oh, wow.

It's a... What's it... A caller.

TIM: A bird caller of some kind?

DEALER: Yeah.

That's wonderful, isn't it?

Isn't that cute?

CRAIG: That's really cute.

Erm... TIM: I love the little leather bellows.

DEALER: Yeah.

CRAIG: Yeah.

And little... it looks like some kind of fruit wood or box wood.

I've never had one before.

I would think it's probably just pre-1900.

Yeah, I thought second half of the 19th century... Yeah.

TIM: 1870, something like that.

CRAIG: It is cool.

What sort of price are you wanting for it?

DEALER: Hm.

TIM: Is it going CHEEP?

(THEY CHUCKLE) Sorry!

I couldn't help it... See what you did there.

No, no, I liked it!

DEALER: To give you a fighting chance... CRAIG: Mm.

DEALER: ..£20.

TIM: Lovely, thank you very much.

Thank you.

TIM: You're a gent.

Great.

CRAIG: Cheers, Malcolm.

VO: I would have whacked on another tenner for the bad joke!

But Craig and Tim have bought a bird whistle for £20.

VO: Back in Henley-in-Arden, Robert and Izzie are still after that big-ticket item.

Oh, I like... That is... Oh, that is real.

That is a proper actual pub sign.

That's really...

It's amazing.

You can see it's been repainted, cuz you can see the old lettering.

I love this sort of thing.

This is, this is a ma...

This is a classic man-cave item, a for-real Black Swan.

"I'll meet you down the Black Swan.

Ha-ha-har!"

"How long's it been there?"

"Oh, hundreds of years."

VO: I'm sure I once had a gin and tonic in there.

Izzie, come and look at this.

You don't have to get close.

It's huge.

Wow!

The Black Swan.

Pub sign...

I like that.

That has hung outside a pub.

You can imagine someone walking through the snow to go and have a pint by the fire, and he sees that sign swinging in the night wind... IZZIE: With a bit of a creak.

ROBERT: With a bit of creak.

And he goes in and they go, and they went, "Are you local?"

And he goes, "Yeah, I lived here all my life."

"Oh, we didn't recognize you."

I mean, it's very, very cool, isn't it?

It is great.

VO: Can owner Phil illuminate its provenance?

We love your sign.

It's recently come into the shop.

We're a stone's throw from Henley-in-Arden high street.

Black Swan's been there a long, long time.

I'd guess 150, 200 years, I genuinely don't know, but it's a long time.

The front is peeling but you can see it's had several repaints.

ROBERT: Yeah.

I mean, I can see that you love it.

I really love this.

This is... cuz it's just easy.

Yeah.

It's just a great big thing.

IZZIE: Yeah.

I think we've decided we would like it.

PHIL: OK. IZZIE: However... we did spot something else, didn't we?

Yeah, yeah.

The Georgian love-note thing... PHIL: Oh yeah.

ROBERT: That's beautiful.

PHIL: Fantastic.

So if we buy both those, what I'm hoping though in this case is we can do a bulk discount, so we're buying two items.

The love notes are just one of my favorite items in the shop.

They're fantastic.

They're priced at 60 quid, I think... ROBERT: Yeah.

PHIL: The best I could do would be 35.

VO: And what about this big black beauty?

We'd pay you, happily, £100... IZZIE: Yeah.

ROBERT: ..in cash money for it.

It's got 170 on the ticket.

I want you to do well with it and it's a great thing.

I could do 140 on it.

Well, I think that's really good.

IZZIE: No, this is... ROBERT: Sorry!

IZZIE: ..you go halfway... ROBERT: I think it's fantastic!

IZZIE: ..and you go 120.

ROBERT: Oh, I see.

OK. IZZIE: You meet halfway.

ROBERT: OK. IZZIE: So 120.

ROBERT: 120!

That's... IZZIE: And then he goes halfway and he says 130.

Yeah, 130.

I will do 130 on it.

ROBERT: Alright.

IZZIE: Would you?

PHIL: Yeah, I will do.

IZZIE: I think we can do that.

ROBERT: Can we do that?

IZZIE: We can do that.

ROBERT: We can shake on that.

Brilliant.

IZZIE: Thank you very much.

DEALER: Thank you.

ROBERT: There you go, Phil.

VO: Robert and Izzie have purchased the pub sign for £130 and the love note for 35.

And with that, the antique shopping spree is complete.

So is this a one-hit wonder, a one time only, or do you think you might venture into the world of antiques again in the future?

I think...

I don't think I'm ever going to become an obsessive antique buyer, but I've got a feeling now that if I'm in a little town and there's an antique shop, I'm more likely to go in it.

Yeah.

And have a little poke round and see what they've got.

IZZIE: Yes.

Whereas in the past, I probably wouldn't have done that.

So it's definitely...

I've got the bug, mildly.

I've got a mild antiques infection... (THEY CHUCKLE) VO: If he turns a profit on his buys, it could be a full-on antique fever!

Ha!

Nighty night.

VO: Hold on to your hats - it's auction day.

We're in the market town of Penkridge in Staffordshire.

This antique showdown is taking place at Cuttlestones Auctioneers & Valuers, where Izzie and Tim have arrived in commendably punctual fashion.

Where are they?

They're having a three-course breakfast.

I wish they'd hurry up.

Oh, here they are now, look.

We've just had toast!

TIM: Hello!

IZZIE: Hello.

They look a bit damp, even inside that car.

IZZIE: Oh!

(THEY CHUCKLE) Handbrake, handbrake on, dear boy.

TIM: Morning, gents.

VO: Yes, yes, handshakes, salutations and "how do you do"s all round.

CRAIG: It's raining, Tim!

Come on.

IZZIE: Morning!

ROBERT: Let's get inside.

It's too wet.

VO: It's time to get down to business.

Robert and Izzie spent £319 on five lots.

Do Tim and Craig have antique envy?

Look at this little clock that they bought.

I think that's fantastic, isn't it, that little timepiece?

CRAIG: What's the history of that?

Well, it's an airplane timepiece.

CRAIG: Oh.

TIM: So, you know, it may have been in a Spitfire, an aero like that, might have been flown in the Battle of Britain.

CRAIG: Oh, wow.

TIM: Who knows?

So it's actually quite a historical little thing.

CRAIG: The boy's done well, hasn't he?

TIM: Yeah, I like it.

VO: Craig and Tim forked out £270 on their five lots.

Robert, there's something I want to show you.

Oh, yeah?

I'm not...

Right, I'm going to try and not touch it, IZZIE: so that I don't give away... ROBERT: That's the thing?

..what it is.

Yes.

See if you can work this out.

It sort of does a whistle.

(SQUEAKING) IZZIE: A bird caller.

It's a novelty item.

IZZIE: People do like novelty.

ROBERT: Mm.

They've only paid £20 for it.

ROBERT: Yeah.

IZZIE: I think it will make them some profit.

It could fly.

Right, I'm kind of annoyed.

It could fly!

VO: Today's man with the gavel in his hand is Ben Gamble.

Let's get his expert opinion on our duo's lots.

AUCTIONEER: This lot's fantastic.

Love tokens from sort of the early part of the 19th century.

I've never seen any of these in the flesh.

So to me, these are quite rare.

Condition, yes, it's a little bit sort of torn and a little bit taped together in parts.

But I think this is probably my favorite item out of all the things that have come in.

I've got real high hopes for this.

The Black Swan sign, it's vying with the love tokens as probably which one's my favorite.

It's a real interior decorator's piece.

VO: Bidders are poised in the room, online and on the phone.

So without further ado, let the auction commence!

Goodness me, look at these stylish chairs.

These are...

I rather like these.

I'd have bought one of these if I'd seen one.

CRAIG: Oh, they're comfy.

Oh!

ROBERT: Look at these.

VO: First item up is the bird caller.

Tu-whit or tu-whoo?

We'll start the bidding at £10 for it.

AUCTIONEER: At £10, I'm bid.

That's a low start.

Come on.

..12 on the net.

At £12.

At 15 bid.

You're out... Come on, keep going.

AUCTIONEER: At £15 away.

TIM: Come on.

AUCTIONEER: At 18 on the net... TIM: Come on.

Keep going.

CRAIG: Come on.

AUCTIONEER: Internet bidder, and selling at £18.

(GAVEL) CRAIG: Oh!

Oh, Craig.

I'm sorry.

It's alright.

Don't worry.

I'm sorry.

ROBERT: What's the most that's ever been lost?

TIM: Oh, er, hundreds.

Hundreds.

ROBERT: We may get a record.

We'll get there, Bob.

We'll get there.

VO: Next up, the pub sign.

TIM: What did you pay for it?

130.

Oh, 130!

Sorry, sorry, guys.

And had you been drinking?

30 in the room.

Oh!

30 in the room, you got 30.

Two, five, eight, 40.

TIM: It's climbing slowly.

ROBERT: 40.

It is.

AUCTIONEER: 40.

50.

ROBERT: Oh, they're keen.

We're a long way off.

No, but it keeps going up.

AUCTIONEER: Fresh money.

70.

ROBERT: Ooh!

IZZIE: Oh, yes!

TIM: We like fresh money.

AUCTIONEER: Five, 80.

No?

It's 80 in the center.

All done.

Finished and going at £80.

IZZIE: Aw!

(GAVEL) (THEY GROAN) VO: Uh-oh!

Last orders at the Black Swan.

Time, gentlemen, please.

We're secretly quite happy, though, aren't we?

I'm chuffed.

VO: Can the profit tide turn with Craig and Tim's cruet set?

AUCTIONEER: Bids are in at £18.

TIM: Oh, come on.

I thought he was gonna say 80.

TIM: Yeah, same!

AUCTIONEER: At £18.

Bid 20.

Two, five, eight.

30 in the room.

I'm out.

TIM: Come on.

ROBERT: Boom.

TIM: Keep going.

AUCTIONEER: At £30.

TIM: Oh, no!

At £30.

Are we two or not?

Yes, please.

AUCTIONEER: At £30 we're selling... All done at £30.

(GAVEL) Aw!

Ugh, I'm sorry.

VO: Ah, that cruet set's not cutting the mustard.

Do you know what?

It's not you.

Mm.

It's not you, it's the buyers.

ROBERT: Yeah!

TIM: It's the market.

CRAIG: Let's blame the public.

IZZIE: It's the market.

VO: Up for sale now is Robert and Izzie's Spitfire clock.

AUCTIONEER: £70.

ALL: (EXCLAIM) Straight in.

At 70.

I'm bid five in the room.

80.

Well done!

CRAIG: Mate.

IZZIE: Yes!

AUCTIONEER: 90.

ROBERT: Oh, my God.

We've made some money.

I can't believe it.

At £90 I'm bid.

Five... IZZIE: More!

No, give us more.

TIM: Keep going.

It's on the net and no mistake.

Are we all done?

IZZIE: Let's have another one.

AUCTIONEER: Selling now at £90.

(GAVEL) ROBERT: Wow!

TIM: Well done.

ROBERT: Wow, that's amazing.

VO: Fourth time's a charm, as they don't say.

Ha!

£20 profit, eh?

Well done, Bobby Llewellyn.

Well, I can...

I can spot a bargain, Craig.

You know me.

VO: The WMF bowl stand is next.

20.

AUCTIONEER: Two, five.

CRAIG: 22.

We've got a long way to go.

AUCTIONEER: Eight.

30.

Oh, it's going up fast.

32, 35, 38... Oh my God, it keeps going up.

AUCTIONEER: 40, 45.

TIM: Keep going, come on.

AUCTIONEER: 50.

Thank you, sir.

TIM: Well done, sir.

Oh, there we go.

ROBERT: New money coming in.

TIM: Keep going.

Come on.

You're out on the net.

In the room, any more?

We sell and done now at... Five.

ROBERT: Oh, here we go.

IZZIE: Oh!

My left at 55.

Are we sure?

ROBERT: 55.

We're selling there, left side at £55.

(GAVEL) TIM: That's painful.

CRAIG: Ooh!

TIM: That is painful.

VO: The bidders were far from bowled out, it would seem.

TIM: I'm sorry.

CRAIG: Yeah, you should be.

Sorry, I just...

I can't believe it.

Making me look bad in front of my pal!

VO: Next item under the hammer is the wing compass.

I think we're all a bit divided on the... Hey!

It's here to sell.

£10 bid.

12 in the room.

At £12 bid.

At £12.

15 if we like.

At 12 bid.

15.

18... CRAIG: You've made money again.

TIM: You've made profit!

AUCTIONEER: Now it's in the room at £18.

IZZIE: Oh... Ooh!

ROBERT: 18!

Selling there at £18.

(GAVEL) Hey, there you go, CRAIG: You've made... TIM: Well done.

IZZIE: Well done, you!

CRAIG: ..four quid.

That's another one of your choices that's made a profit.

Sorry, I'm gonna...

I'm going into business immediately, buying up all the tat that no one else wants.

VO: Welcome to Robert Llewellyn Fine Tat Dealers.

VO: Now it's Craig and Tim's horseshoe-shaped vesta case.

We'll start at £18.

ROBERT: 18.

AUCTIONEER: Bid 20.

ROBERT: 20.

IZZIE: What did you pay?

Come on.

£50 we paid.

OK. At 22.

Five.

At £25 bid... Oh, come on.

More than that.

It's so good.

It's worth more than that.

It is worth more than that.

All done there at tw... eight!

30.

At £30... Come on, sir, it's only money.

On my left.

Goes at £30.

(GAVEL) TIM: 30.

Well, I thought horseshoes were lucky.

CRAIG: Mm.

Not that one.

TIM: But... Not that one!

That one was upside down.

VO: Some lucky bidder's got themselves a bargain there, eh?

That one just kicked us in the spuds.

(THEY CHUCKLE) (VO CHORTLES) Can the Tudric vase add a little va-va-vroom to the room?

£30.

At £30 I'm bid on commission.

Beautiful.

Come on, guys.

AUCTIONEER: Bid at £30.

Who would like two?

At £30.

Bid two.

Thank you.

Five.

38.

TIM: Ooh.

ROBERT: It's flying up.

At £38 I'm bid.

Center of the room.

AUCTIONEER: To sell... IZZIE: No.

AUCTIONEER: ..at £38.

TIM: Stop!

IZZIE: I forbid... (GAVEL) TIM: Oh!

Sorry, guys.

ROBERT: £38.

VO: Uh-oh, it's another loss.

Oh, dear.

I'm almost...

I can't even look at you, Izzie.

I'm so ashamed.

VO: It's Tim and Craig's final lot, the silver cigarette case.

Bids will start us there at £35.

What did you pay for this one?

TIM: Come on.

AUCTIONEER: At £35.

Come on!

It's a good starting price.

That's cheap.

Seems cheap.

At £35...

It does.

It does seem cheap.

Seems very cheap.

Come on, that's ridiculous.

AUCTIONEER: 38.

40.

ROBERT: 38.

40.

AUCTIONEER: He says no.

At £40.

CRAIG: Oh, no.

TIM: Great.

AUCTIONEER: I'm selling, no mistake... TIM: Don't sell it.

AUCTIONEER: £40 it goes.

Selling at 40.

(GAVEL) CRAIG: A... A career in tatters.

(THEY CHUCKLE) Over before it began.

TIM: I'm sorry.

(CRAIG CHUCKLES) I've said sorry quite a lot.

Don't you worry!

VO: Any chance of a profit has gone up in smoke.

CRAIG: Oh, well.

ROBERT: Difficult come, easy go.

CRAIG: Mm.

TIM: Mm-hm.

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: Lastly, we have Robert and Izzie's love token.

Commission bids are in at £55.

(SHE GASPS) TIM: How much?

55.

IZZIE: £55!

TIM: Get in!

70.

ROBERT: 70, wow!

IZZIE: Yes!

Come on!

Well done.

At 70.

Five, 80, five.

90.

I've got the room at 95.

I mean, they were stunning.

Yeah.

It's still in the room at 120, 130.

AUCTIONEER: 140 on the net.

CRAIG: This is brilliant... AUCTIONEER: 150.

CRAIG: 150!

160.

Wow!

Wow!

170, 180.

IZZIE: (GASPS) CRAIG: Wow, well done.

At 180, 190, 200.

At £200.

210.

Still going, 220.

Bobby!

AUCTIONEER: At 220... ROBERT: Wow!

At £220.

You're all out in the room and I shall sell.

AUCTIONEER: All done.

IZZIE: Oh, my... On the net at 230 bid, 240... Wow, it keeps going up!

My God!

AUCTIONEER: Going at 240.

ROBERT: Wow!

On the net at 240.

(GAVEL) IZZIE: Oh... TIM: Well done.

Congratulations.

So what did it go for in the end, 240?

TIM: £240.

ROBERT: 240 quid.

VO: There was a whole lot of love in the room for that lot.

Well, look, anyway, our lots are over.

ROBERT: Yeah.

CRAIG: Let's go and calculate the depth of my humiliation.

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: It's time to total up and declare a winner.

Craig and Tim started their trip with £400.

After auction costs, they made a loss of just under £130, giving them a total of £271.86.

Robert and Izzie have, however, made a profit!

After saleroom fees, they've earned just over £60, giving them a total of £463.12 - with all the final profits going to Children In Need.

Go on, engage smug mode.

(AS KRYTEN) There's a little bit of smug mode there, sir.

(THEY CHUCKLE) I can't believe it.

I am really blown away by that.

I just thought we didn't have a hope.

I think you did really well.

Amazing.

CRAIG: Yeah.

TIM: Congratulations, guys.

Thank you.

Now, well done Craig... Congratulations.

You had had expert help all the way down.

CRAIG: Yeah.

TIM: Sorry.

Thank you, Izzie.

ROBERT: You were brilliant.

IZZIE: Oh, you're welcome.

ROBERT: You were really good.

CRAIG: I'm not hugging you!

TIM: Oh, come on!

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: It's been fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun.

TIM: And they're off.

IZZIE: Ooh, they're off!

IZZIE: Bye!

TIM: Bye!

Well, not only do you win - it's actually stopped raining!

I know!

What's wrong with the world?

(THEY CHUCKLE) That was amazing, for it to keep... That one item for all of us, really... Yeah.

..that kept going up and up way beyond anything I expected.

CRAIG: I tell you what - good road trip though, eh?

ROBERT: Brilliant, yeah!

Really good fun.

I know I said it's stopped raining, but Robert, you won.

It's still raining in my heart.

(HE CHUCKLES) VO: See ya!

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